OMI
One Act Play
by Daniela Drakhler
What else is there to do?
Sleep and wait.
Just let him come back,
let him show up.
Then he’ll find out
you don’t do that to a cat.
Going toward him
faking reluctance,
slowly,
on very offended paws.
-- Wislawa Szymborska
Prologue:
Proverbs 12:10 “Whoever is righteous has regard for the life of his beast…”
Protagonists:
Oliver (Oli) – 10-year-old senior cat, a purebred Siberian
Tomash (Mash) – 5-year-old white-red-and-black calacole
Iri – 6-month-old reddish-yellow cat
Lancelot – an old mutt
Throughout the whole play we hear sirens coming from the streets outside.
Scene 1
The stage is perpendicularly divided into the bedroom on the left, and the living room on the right. Oli is laying on the sofa in the living room, he is turned to the left of the stage, tense as if listening to something.
Mash is laying on the windowsill in the bedroom. Beyond the window we can see a fire escape, apparently shared with the next door apartment. Mash is listening to the sounds coming from the window. It is a radio, playing in the next door apartment.
The Radio Host’s Voice: This is WQX Mix! Good morning, New York City! It is 6 am, and we are here to bring you the latest news, music and weather report! It is 50 degrees on this cloudy yet fresh April morning, with a chance of sunshine later in the day. The maximum temp today is 52 Fahrenheit, the spring is very shy this year. And don’t we all wish for a warmer spring, considering our new reality. You know what they say: the hotter the sun hug – the weaker the mean Bug! And the latest statistics on the latter: the curve of newly infected in the city is sadly going up, as well as hospitalizations and fatalities. Here are the latest numbers…
Oli: Could you scoop the curtain down and stop listening to that nonsense! It’s stressful, depressing and useless. Besides, I’m trying to hear when that loser neighbor is gonna leave.
Mash: You know that I have to listen to all the updates. We have to get an idea on when He’s gonna be back... If He’s gonna be back. (Mocking Oli.) Besides, as soon as that loser is done filling the bowls, the youngster is gonna run right in from the kitchen.
The sound of the slamming door. Immediately after, Iri runs into the living room.
Mash: What did I say?..
Oli slides down from the sofa, walks toward Iri.
Iri (cheerfully): The neighbor’s gone! Why don’t you guys ever go into the kitchen and greet the neighbor when he comes to feed us?
Oli (sarcastically): Why do you always do? You know that guy is crazy too right? Recently moved into this building, drinks all day, and then complains he burns “with the fire of labor.” Last time he came to feed us he started talking nonsense about it raining all the time, and hunting some stupid ducks or something. (Walks past Iri into the kitchen. Leaves the stage.)
Iri: Oh, c’mon! The guy is doing us a favor, comes twice a day to feed us, and gives us water, he’s nice! I just want to greet him and show appreciation, that’s all! Come Mash, let’s eat!
Mash (still listening to the radio, which sound has faded a little into music): 500 more… Hiss! 500 humans within 24 hours in the city alone!...
Iri: It’s gonna be alright, Mash. He’ll come back!
Mash (sad and preoccupied, slips down the windowsill, walks toward Iri): Ok, kid, let’s go eat..
Mash and Iri go to the kitchen and leave the stage. The cats’ voices are heard:
Oli: The loser comes to feed us! Big hissy deal… The loser owes Him so much money that stopping by the next door apartment for three minutes twice a day is the least the loser should do. The loser begs for money each time he’s short on his liquor supply, and never gives Him money back!
Iri: Are you finished eating Oli? If you are, can I have whatever is left?
Oli (walking back into the living room, jumping on the couch): Yes, you may. How can something so small eat so much?! (Lies down, starts licking his front paw.)
Iri (jumping back into the living room and smiling): I’m still growing!
Mash (trotting back into the living room): Go chase your tail!
Mash and Oli laugh.
Iri: I haven’t chased my tail in months!
The Radio Host’s Voice: You are listening to WQX Mix! And now back to the latest news! We are having an exclusive interview with Dr. Raninson, the head of the pulmonology department at New York Presbyterian Cornell Hospital! Thank you for being with us this morning, Doctor!
Dr. Raninson’s Voice: Thank you for having me!
Mash: Quiet everyone! (Jumps into the bedroom and on the windowsill.)
Oli: We are quiet!
Mash: I said quiet!
Oli rolls his eyes, Iri smiles, shrugs his shoulders and starts playing with his shadow.
Radio Host’s Voice: Tell us, Doctor, what are the age categories among those who get admitted, and those who sadly pass?
Dr. Raninson’s Voice: Initially we thought that the disease claims only those who are elderly, and those with underlying, pre-existing conditions. Unfortunately, we are seeing more and more patients in their 40’s and 50’s who succumb to the illness, as well as a rise in medical worker fatalities.
Oli: Could you please draw the curtain or close the bedroom door? We don’t need to hear that all the time!
Mash: He is 45!..
Iri: Do you think He...? No... He doesn’t have any underlying conditions, He’s strong, He’s healthy...
Mash: Then why the hairball He isn’t coming back? Gosh yarn it – it’s been a week!
Oli: Could you quiet down, both of you? I wanna take a nap.
Mash: How can you act like nothing is happening?! Any day, any moment we may get kicked out of this place! If He doesn’t come back, the best-case scenario – we’ll end up in the streets!
Iri (stops playing with his shadow, sounds worried): And the worst? The worst case scenario?
Oli: Quiet.
Mash: They’ll take us back.
Oli: Quiet!
Iri: Back where?
Oli: Quiet!!
Mash: Back where Oli and I came from..
Oli: I said quiet!!! (Jumps down from the couch.) I’m going to the bathroom. When I’m back I don’t want to hear any more of that hissen nonsense. (Slowly struts out of the the living room flicking his tail.)
Iri: Mash, could you tell me more about where you and Oli came from? Pwease? Is it scary?
Mash (Jumps down from the bedroom windowsill, walks into the living room, walks up to Iri, and sits next to him, his head down): It’s the Place where everything may begin, and everything may end. For the most part, everything ends there. He picked me up from the Place when I was your age. And while leaving with me He saw Oli. Oli was the only purebred in that Place at that time. He stood out for sure. In that hissy Place, that smelled like death, because there was death every 72 hours for those who weren’t picked up. The Place full of meowing, and crying, and barking, and howling of sorrow, of despair, of loneliness, helplessness, and eternal fear…
Iri (scared): Is that why Oli doesn’t want to talk about it?
Mash: Yes. And because he was born into privilege. And where he came from was too good, and where he ended up was too bad.
Iri: Why did he end up there?
Mash: Because with a pure breed comes weakness. His was stones. His privileged body kept building them up. He got clogged twice. Almost died. His previous Feeders paid for the two surgeries, but then they realized that he was becoming too expensive to keep, with all the special diet food, medications, vet visits, new surgeries…
Iri: And they left him in the Place?
Oli (walking back in): Yes, they left me in the Place. And He saw me, and took me with Mash.
Mash: 5 years apart in age, we ended up being same-age residents of His place.
Iri: What a noble thing of Him to do!
Oli: Don’t you ever glorify your Feeders! It’s dogs’ practice. They adore their Feeders, ready to lick their feet anytime. We allow being taken care of! We create peace and coziness in their homes. We are self-sufficient, and don’t beg to be walked and played with, like those smelly dogs do.
Iri: I never understood why there’s so much negativity about dogs? Some of them are really friendly and cute. I’ve watched videos with Him. And He calls Himself a Dogperson who ended up with three cats.
Mash: He’s had dogs before. And said He might get one again.
Oli: Nonsense! Dogs are pathetically needy. WE absorb and transform the negative energy of the homes. We clean ourselves. We require minimal maintenance, while giving so much to theirs. We are the noble ones!
Mash: You didn’t look too noble in that hissen hell hole, where He got you from. Why don’t you get on all fours and bark like a dog – it’ll amuse me.
Oli: I was always dignified. I smelled my death coming. But I knew, and I still know, that I came from a great place, I had a great life, I even traveled…
Mash: Before they threw you out because you became high maintenance...
Iri: Those were bad Feeders! No matter how rich, they were bad Humans. Not like Him. He found me when I was just three weeks old. Came to the store to buy curtains, and saw me on the floor. The store owners gave me dog food that I couldn’t chew, and a large bowl of water that I couldn’t reach. I was hurting all over because of fleas.
Oli: Yeah, yeah, we know. And He took you right to the vet, and spent as much money on the fees as the curtains would have cost.
Mash: And He always told humans who came to His parties: “I got a kitten instead of a curtain.”
Iri: And called me Iri, because I was red like an Irish!
Oli: He called you Iri, because He’s a fan of Chekhov.
Mash: Only those ladies were longing to leave. And we are longing to stay.
Iri (ponders at his paws for a moment): Is it true that dogs get used to their Feeders, and cats get used to their homes?
Oli: After all the energy that we’ve cleared in those homes, no wonder!
The Radio Music becomes louder. The Radio Host’s Voice: And back with you, this is WQX Mix! The latest news: two New York cats got diagnosed with the novel virus!
Mash: Oh Hairball! Whattahiss is that?!
Oli: Last week your stupid radio informed us on the tigers getting the disease. What’s good for tigers – good for cats.
Iri: And what’s bad for tigers – bad for cats?
Mash: Stop, Iri! This is getting serious! Not only are we getting kicked out, we may get kicked out sick. I’ve heard of a cat who coughed blood.
Oli: Stop Mash! Does it actually please you to talk about those terrible things? If we have to go, we’ll have to go, and meet our end in a dignified way (yawns).
Mash: Oh, you are so full of hiss! You think I don’t see your nervous yawns, and don’t hear your anxious scratches in the litter box for over five minutes? Why are you pretending to be calm and poised?! You are scared! You are scared as hiss!
Iri: Guys, do you wanna play my catnip mouse? I’ll go bring it!
Oli: Yes, I’m scared! So what? I am alive, and I’m entitled to get scared! I’ve invested a lot of my energy into this place! Everyone who’s ever entered this place was in awe of my breed, and hair, and eyes, and energy! I’m entitled to be nervous! Because who on earth is gonna pick up an old sick cat?!
Iri: Oh, don’t say that, Oli! You are so handsome! And you are healthy now, because He’s been so kind to feed you your special diet…
Oli: Shut up! Just shut up, you stupid thing! One week without that diet food, and I’ll end up with stones again, and get clogged! Do you have any idea about the agony of that pain? I’d rather spend a week in the Place, than one hour being clogged! Except no one is gonna give me that week in the Place, so shut up!
Mash: Don’t you dare yell at him! The kid is being supportive!
Oli: I don’t need his fake support, it’s good for nothing! The previous Feeders also ‘supported’ me. They said I’d get picked up for sure, because I was so purebred handsome. And I was sitting, and hoping, trying to compose myself the best I could, and humans would come, and look, and pass! No one wanted me with my underlying condition, even though I was five years younger! Who would want me now?!
Mash: And who would want me? You still have your breed! The kid has his kitten cuteness, and I am an adult cat with neither breed nor charm!
Oli: But you have your beautiful coat! That’s how He picked you back then, He told His friends. He saw your coat from afar it was so bright, and he went straight to you.
Mash: And then He saw you, Oli, your pure breed, and gave you your second life, because you already got the death tag on your cage. If he came two hours later, they would have already put you down.
Iri (losing it and crying inconsolably): And who would need me then? My coat is dull, it’s not even red, it’s boring yellow! And I’m no breed! And I’m not a small kitten anymore, I’m past my cutest times! I don’t want to be put away! I don’t want to spend time in a death-smelling Place, I don’t want to be kicked out in the streets, I have no survival skills! I began living just half a year ago, and I am not ready to stop! (Cries.)
Mash and Oli come up to Iri, begin licking his head and neck.
Oli: I’m sorry for yelling at you, kid, it’s difficult to keep being poised all the time. Especially when I’m so stressed and… and scared. I will play the catnip mouse with you later, I will!
Mash: And even though you are not a small kitten anymore, you still are the cutest cuddly thing, and humans see, and feel, and want that. I’ll play catnip mouse chase with you too.
Iri (calming down, but still sniffing, smiling at Mash and Oli through tears): Thank you guys! You are kind... like Him! I’m gonna bring the catnip mouse. And other catnip toys… It’s gonna be so much fun!... (His eyes are closing, he gradually falls asleep.)
Mash: Sweet kid. He still hopes that chasing a catnip mouse will bring our lives back to normal somehow.
Oli: I’m sure they’ll pick him from the Place, when we get kicked out.
Mash: Oli… I listened to the radio the other night when you were sleeping… They don’t pick up anyone from the Place anymore... They only give in. They always give in when they have problems.
Oli (with a sad smile): Let’s cuddle…
Oli and Mash cuddle next to Iri, making a circle, and fall asleep.
Scene 2
The bright sunlight is streaming into the bedroom and the living room windows.
The Radio Host’s Voice on the background of “Us and Them” by Pink Floyd: And WQX Meow is back with you, bringing you the latest cats’ dreams! We’re pleased to have our handsome purebred Oliver Siberian here with us! May I call you Oli?
Oli (Slowly raising from the floor): Sure. Thank you for having me!
The Voice: Any regrets?
Oli: Yes, definitely! I wouldn’t have admitted it if I wasn’t asleep, of course. But I regret not showing Him the affection He deserved. I kept telling myself it was Him who got lucky with me. Humans pay a scratch lot of money to get a purebred like me, and he got me for free almost. I never had enough dignity to tell myself that it was me who got lucky with Him! He never hesitated to spend all that money on my expensive diet, and vets, and medications. I have heard of humans like Him, but I’ve never met them. And I never will anymore. I just hope He didn’t suffer. I hope He went peacefully, in His sleep. And I hope to see Him again soon, and… and tell Him that I love Him … Like a dog. I can’t believe I just meowed that... (Smiles and laughs bitterly.)
The Host’s Voice: Thank you Oli! We wish you all the best with whatever is left of your nine lives! (Oli lies back down, cuddling with others.) Our next guest today is a bright-coat Tomash Calacole! So good to have you here, and may I call you Mash?
Mash: Yes, and yes.
The Voice: So, where does the name come from?
Mash: He is... Well… He was a big fan of Chekhov. Yes, I know, the irony… He picks up two guys from the Place, and converts their names reminiscing of the Three Ladies. Well, my actual name was Tomas, like Tomcat. I was quite frisky back in the days, but that lasted just for half a year. Born the brightest of the litter, the first one for grabs… but everyone wants a kitten... No one wants an adult cat. I became too frisky for them, the previous Feeders. Ripped a leather chair… Wasn’t my fault they never got me a scratcher. And they were too cheap to fix me, so my hormones wouldn’t run through the roof.
Mash licks himself nervously.
Mash: So, I ended up in the Place. If there is Hell, then that was it. I knew I was finished. And then He came! You know all of us there: cats, dogs, rabbits, rodents, even birds, all of us always hold our breath for a Person. Dogs more than any, they are the closest to Them, the most dependent, the most dedicated, the most loyal. But still... We all wait for our He. Or our She... And when mine appeared at the end of that dim, stenchy corridor, I knew it was my He! And He saw me, and picked me, and I loved the whole world at that moment. And when He passed by Oli, and saw the death tag, and picked Oli up as well, I loved Oli as well. Because we were now born again together!
The Voice: How touching! Any regrets?
Mash: Yes. Marking her shoes, the first night she stayed over. And every other night she stayed over. Until she stopped coming. He said on the phone: “She asked me to choose between her and the guys. But how can I give them up? Perhaps, she was my last chance. Gonna die a bachelor.” And He laughed. And looks like He was right. He knew it was me. Oli was too dignified for low tricks. And Iri wasn’t around yet. But He never hit me, never pushed my face into my own mess, never punished me. I wonder how He survived in that gruesome human world being as kind as He was. But they loved Him out there! Always parties with friends, always guests over. They called Him the best nurse. And now He’s in the same hospital where He was nursing others. I wonder, if I didn’t mark her shoes back then, maybe He would still be alive. They say those who have mates live longer. But she wasn’t right for Him! She was even worse than His ex wife, who had stopped by a couple of times. Such dark, sour energy! Or am I just trying to justify myself? My fear of sharing my space with her? My fear of sharing Him with her?
The Voice: Well, I guess you’ll find out soon, when the moment of truth arrives. Thank you for your candid account Mash, and stay well for as long as you have left. (Mash nods absentminded, and slowly lies down, cuddling with the others.) And we are continuing our broadcast, and are happy to bring you the youngest of the herd, here is Eeri!
Iri slowly gets up, like the other two before him.
Iri: It’s pronounced Eye-ree, like Irish. He likes some Three Sisters, and he calls me and my brothers OMI, by the first letters of their names. And our names. He called me that because he said it sounded like the third Sister’s name, and also because I was red like an Irish. I’m rather yellow, but He called me red. He always saw things brighter and better than they were! And I don’t care if I sound like a dog, but I love Him! And I even promised myself to learn to bring His slippers like a dog, and to fetch, like a dog. And I am ready to give half of my 9 lives to Him, so He would only come back to us!
The Voice: But, little silly cat, you can’t divide 9 in even halves!
Iri: Then I would give Him the bigger half… (Slowly walks to the others, and cuddles with them.)
The Voice: And this was a heartfelt message from the cats’ dreams! You are listening to WQX Meow!
Scene 3
The bright sunlight that was fading throughout Scene 2 has now transitioned into twilight. The Radio keeps playing in real life, broadcasting “Us and Them.”
The Radio Host’s Voice: You are listening to WQX Mix! It is 7 o’clock in the evening, and you can hear the sounds of cheering through your windows – the city is honoring its frontline healthcare providers! (The sounds of clapping, whistling, cheering come from the street, and then fade away.) And we are here to bring you the latest news, music and weather report! We were lucky to see some bright sun today, but the temperatures are crawling down again, it is now 49 Fahrenheit, and we keep wishing for hot sun hugs to chase away Bugs!
The cats wake up, stretching.
Oli: Wait! What time is it? Where’s the drunkard loser? I didn’t hear him coming to feed us…
Mash: He was supposed to be here at six. Drunkard or not, but he always comes at six sharp. Hiss knows how he does it, but he’s never late.
Iri: Maybe, he’s drunk again?
Oli: He starts drinking after six. Iri, go check if there’s any food there.
Iri runs away from the stage into the kitchen. Runs back.
Iri: No cans! Only a little dry food left. And water.
Mash: Ok, the neighbor has got the news that He is gone. He’s not gonna come again to feed us. That’s ok. We can scratch the bag of dry food, and keep eating from there. Water is also not a problem, we can try to turn the faucet and drink from the sink or the bathtub. The litter…
Oli: How didn’t I get it right away! The loser didn’t clean the litter today! He already knew that no one was coming for us, that’s why he gave us more canned food than usual!
Iri (almost crying): And when are they gonna come for us?
Oli: I don’t know. Humans are too busy now with each other to think of others, maybe we have another week?
Mash: Or two, before they notice the stench.
Iri: I’ve heard some cats are toilet trained. We can train, and then try to flush. I’ve watched videos with Him: cats flush toilets!
Mash walks into the bedroom, jumps on the windowsill, listens to the radio.
The Radio Host’s Voice: We are sad to bring you even more devastating news: the recent numbers show…
Oli: For Hissake, draw the curtain, and close the bedroom door, I can’t listen to that anymore! Iri, bring the catnip mouse, let’s play chase!
Iri: Yes!
Mash (slips from the windowsill, sneezes, and runs into the living room): No! We shouldn’t waste energy! We need to ration the food. Oh, How I wish I had one more chance to rub against His leg, and hear His voice, and feel His hand behind my ears!
Iri: And me!
Oli: And me…
The Radio Host’s Voice: You are listening to WQX Mix, it is 8 pm, and we are bringing you the latest…
Oli jumps up, runs into the bedroom, grabs the window curtain and pulls it down, then runs into the living room, and shuts the bedroom door with front paws. Mash hisses angrily, and is about to attack Oli, Iri tries to squeeze in between the two and prevent the fight.
The sound of the front door opening. The cats turn toward the sound and stand still.
Oli (hopeful): The loser?..
Mash (doubting): She?..
Iri (terrified): Them?..
The Voice from the foyer beyond the stage: OMI! Oli, Mash, Iri! I’m back, happy and healthy! And I met a special someone in the hospital. Hope you like her! Where are you guys?!
Oli grabs one slipper which has been lying around with his mouth, Mash grabs the other slipper with his mouth. Iri is flabbergasted with happiness, looking for something too. He grabs his catnip mouse, and all three joyfully trot out of the living room to greet Him. We hear meowing and hissing from the foyer.
His Voice: There you are my pals! Are those my slippers? Wow! Oh, don’t be scared, this is Lance! I picked him up from the Place on the way back.
Lance runs into the living room, looks around, woofs cheerfully.
Lance: What a day! What a glorious day for an old, useless, unwanted Lancelot! I feel like a puppy again! I’m ready to sniff everything, I love the whole world!
Iri walks in, cautiously approaching Lance.
Lance: Hello, my new young friend! You must be Iri. The MasterFriend told me all about you on the way home! I’m Lancelot! I’ll fight all the dragons in this beautiful castle, and scare away all the squirrels with my mighty bark, and you will live worry-free with our MasterFriend!
Mash and Oli carefully walk in. Iri sniffs Lance. Lance licks Iri. Iri purrs and rubs against Lance.
Mash: Careful, he might have fleas!
Oli: And he calls himself noble! Look at him...
Iri: I don’t care! Today is the beginning of yet another life!
Mash: The life we thought we’d never have again…
Lance: The life of the knights of the round table!
Oli rolls up his eyes.
Mash: Have you seen His new special someone?
Lance: No, but I’m sure she’s really nice!
Mash (mumbling): She better be…
Iri to Lance: Do you want to play with my catnip mouse? I have other toys, but this is my favorite!
Lance: Woof! Sure!
Iri brings the catnip mouse. He and Lance begin joyfully playing. The catnip mouse bounces to Mash. Mash joins the game.
Oli: Ah, whattahiss!.. (Joins the rest playing with the mouse.)
His Voice from the kitchen: Who’s hungry?
The cats and the dog run to the kitchen, chasing each other, laughing. The Radio Host’s Voice from the bedroom window becomes louder.
The Radio Host’s Voice: …and we are happy to bring you the latest news: for the first time in weeks the numbers have not increased over the past day. This is a very positive sign! This good news is brought to you by WQX Mix! It is 12 am. Welcome to the new day New York City! Stay safe and healthy! And stay with us!
The End
Sleep and wait.
Just let him come back,
let him show up.
Then he’ll find out
you don’t do that to a cat.
Going toward him
faking reluctance,
slowly,
on very offended paws.
-- Wislawa Szymborska
Prologue:
Proverbs 12:10 “Whoever is righteous has regard for the life of his beast…”
Protagonists:
Oliver (Oli) – 10-year-old senior cat, a purebred Siberian
Tomash (Mash) – 5-year-old white-red-and-black calacole
Iri – 6-month-old reddish-yellow cat
Lancelot – an old mutt
Throughout the whole play we hear sirens coming from the streets outside.
Scene 1
The stage is perpendicularly divided into the bedroom on the left, and the living room on the right. Oli is laying on the sofa in the living room, he is turned to the left of the stage, tense as if listening to something.
Mash is laying on the windowsill in the bedroom. Beyond the window we can see a fire escape, apparently shared with the next door apartment. Mash is listening to the sounds coming from the window. It is a radio, playing in the next door apartment.
The Radio Host’s Voice: This is WQX Mix! Good morning, New York City! It is 6 am, and we are here to bring you the latest news, music and weather report! It is 50 degrees on this cloudy yet fresh April morning, with a chance of sunshine later in the day. The maximum temp today is 52 Fahrenheit, the spring is very shy this year. And don’t we all wish for a warmer spring, considering our new reality. You know what they say: the hotter the sun hug – the weaker the mean Bug! And the latest statistics on the latter: the curve of newly infected in the city is sadly going up, as well as hospitalizations and fatalities. Here are the latest numbers…
Oli: Could you scoop the curtain down and stop listening to that nonsense! It’s stressful, depressing and useless. Besides, I’m trying to hear when that loser neighbor is gonna leave.
Mash: You know that I have to listen to all the updates. We have to get an idea on when He’s gonna be back... If He’s gonna be back. (Mocking Oli.) Besides, as soon as that loser is done filling the bowls, the youngster is gonna run right in from the kitchen.
The sound of the slamming door. Immediately after, Iri runs into the living room.
Mash: What did I say?..
Oli slides down from the sofa, walks toward Iri.
Iri (cheerfully): The neighbor’s gone! Why don’t you guys ever go into the kitchen and greet the neighbor when he comes to feed us?
Oli (sarcastically): Why do you always do? You know that guy is crazy too right? Recently moved into this building, drinks all day, and then complains he burns “with the fire of labor.” Last time he came to feed us he started talking nonsense about it raining all the time, and hunting some stupid ducks or something. (Walks past Iri into the kitchen. Leaves the stage.)
Iri: Oh, c’mon! The guy is doing us a favor, comes twice a day to feed us, and gives us water, he’s nice! I just want to greet him and show appreciation, that’s all! Come Mash, let’s eat!
Mash (still listening to the radio, which sound has faded a little into music): 500 more… Hiss! 500 humans within 24 hours in the city alone!...
Iri: It’s gonna be alright, Mash. He’ll come back!
Mash (sad and preoccupied, slips down the windowsill, walks toward Iri): Ok, kid, let’s go eat..
Mash and Iri go to the kitchen and leave the stage. The cats’ voices are heard:
Oli: The loser comes to feed us! Big hissy deal… The loser owes Him so much money that stopping by the next door apartment for three minutes twice a day is the least the loser should do. The loser begs for money each time he’s short on his liquor supply, and never gives Him money back!
Iri: Are you finished eating Oli? If you are, can I have whatever is left?
Oli (walking back into the living room, jumping on the couch): Yes, you may. How can something so small eat so much?! (Lies down, starts licking his front paw.)
Iri (jumping back into the living room and smiling): I’m still growing!
Mash (trotting back into the living room): Go chase your tail!
Mash and Oli laugh.
Iri: I haven’t chased my tail in months!
The Radio Host’s Voice: You are listening to WQX Mix! And now back to the latest news! We are having an exclusive interview with Dr. Raninson, the head of the pulmonology department at New York Presbyterian Cornell Hospital! Thank you for being with us this morning, Doctor!
Dr. Raninson’s Voice: Thank you for having me!
Mash: Quiet everyone! (Jumps into the bedroom and on the windowsill.)
Oli: We are quiet!
Mash: I said quiet!
Oli rolls his eyes, Iri smiles, shrugs his shoulders and starts playing with his shadow.
Radio Host’s Voice: Tell us, Doctor, what are the age categories among those who get admitted, and those who sadly pass?
Dr. Raninson’s Voice: Initially we thought that the disease claims only those who are elderly, and those with underlying, pre-existing conditions. Unfortunately, we are seeing more and more patients in their 40’s and 50’s who succumb to the illness, as well as a rise in medical worker fatalities.
Oli: Could you please draw the curtain or close the bedroom door? We don’t need to hear that all the time!
Mash: He is 45!..
Iri: Do you think He...? No... He doesn’t have any underlying conditions, He’s strong, He’s healthy...
Mash: Then why the hairball He isn’t coming back? Gosh yarn it – it’s been a week!
Oli: Could you quiet down, both of you? I wanna take a nap.
Mash: How can you act like nothing is happening?! Any day, any moment we may get kicked out of this place! If He doesn’t come back, the best-case scenario – we’ll end up in the streets!
Iri (stops playing with his shadow, sounds worried): And the worst? The worst case scenario?
Oli: Quiet.
Mash: They’ll take us back.
Oli: Quiet!
Iri: Back where?
Oli: Quiet!!
Mash: Back where Oli and I came from..
Oli: I said quiet!!! (Jumps down from the couch.) I’m going to the bathroom. When I’m back I don’t want to hear any more of that hissen nonsense. (Slowly struts out of the the living room flicking his tail.)
Iri: Mash, could you tell me more about where you and Oli came from? Pwease? Is it scary?
Mash (Jumps down from the bedroom windowsill, walks into the living room, walks up to Iri, and sits next to him, his head down): It’s the Place where everything may begin, and everything may end. For the most part, everything ends there. He picked me up from the Place when I was your age. And while leaving with me He saw Oli. Oli was the only purebred in that Place at that time. He stood out for sure. In that hissy Place, that smelled like death, because there was death every 72 hours for those who weren’t picked up. The Place full of meowing, and crying, and barking, and howling of sorrow, of despair, of loneliness, helplessness, and eternal fear…
Iri (scared): Is that why Oli doesn’t want to talk about it?
Mash: Yes. And because he was born into privilege. And where he came from was too good, and where he ended up was too bad.
Iri: Why did he end up there?
Mash: Because with a pure breed comes weakness. His was stones. His privileged body kept building them up. He got clogged twice. Almost died. His previous Feeders paid for the two surgeries, but then they realized that he was becoming too expensive to keep, with all the special diet food, medications, vet visits, new surgeries…
Iri: And they left him in the Place?
Oli (walking back in): Yes, they left me in the Place. And He saw me, and took me with Mash.
Mash: 5 years apart in age, we ended up being same-age residents of His place.
Iri: What a noble thing of Him to do!
Oli: Don’t you ever glorify your Feeders! It’s dogs’ practice. They adore their Feeders, ready to lick their feet anytime. We allow being taken care of! We create peace and coziness in their homes. We are self-sufficient, and don’t beg to be walked and played with, like those smelly dogs do.
Iri: I never understood why there’s so much negativity about dogs? Some of them are really friendly and cute. I’ve watched videos with Him. And He calls Himself a Dogperson who ended up with three cats.
Mash: He’s had dogs before. And said He might get one again.
Oli: Nonsense! Dogs are pathetically needy. WE absorb and transform the negative energy of the homes. We clean ourselves. We require minimal maintenance, while giving so much to theirs. We are the noble ones!
Mash: You didn’t look too noble in that hissen hell hole, where He got you from. Why don’t you get on all fours and bark like a dog – it’ll amuse me.
Oli: I was always dignified. I smelled my death coming. But I knew, and I still know, that I came from a great place, I had a great life, I even traveled…
Mash: Before they threw you out because you became high maintenance...
Iri: Those were bad Feeders! No matter how rich, they were bad Humans. Not like Him. He found me when I was just three weeks old. Came to the store to buy curtains, and saw me on the floor. The store owners gave me dog food that I couldn’t chew, and a large bowl of water that I couldn’t reach. I was hurting all over because of fleas.
Oli: Yeah, yeah, we know. And He took you right to the vet, and spent as much money on the fees as the curtains would have cost.
Mash: And He always told humans who came to His parties: “I got a kitten instead of a curtain.”
Iri: And called me Iri, because I was red like an Irish!
Oli: He called you Iri, because He’s a fan of Chekhov.
Mash: Only those ladies were longing to leave. And we are longing to stay.
Iri (ponders at his paws for a moment): Is it true that dogs get used to their Feeders, and cats get used to their homes?
Oli: After all the energy that we’ve cleared in those homes, no wonder!
The Radio Music becomes louder. The Radio Host’s Voice: And back with you, this is WQX Mix! The latest news: two New York cats got diagnosed with the novel virus!
Mash: Oh Hairball! Whattahiss is that?!
Oli: Last week your stupid radio informed us on the tigers getting the disease. What’s good for tigers – good for cats.
Iri: And what’s bad for tigers – bad for cats?
Mash: Stop, Iri! This is getting serious! Not only are we getting kicked out, we may get kicked out sick. I’ve heard of a cat who coughed blood.
Oli: Stop Mash! Does it actually please you to talk about those terrible things? If we have to go, we’ll have to go, and meet our end in a dignified way (yawns).
Mash: Oh, you are so full of hiss! You think I don’t see your nervous yawns, and don’t hear your anxious scratches in the litter box for over five minutes? Why are you pretending to be calm and poised?! You are scared! You are scared as hiss!
Iri: Guys, do you wanna play my catnip mouse? I’ll go bring it!
Oli: Yes, I’m scared! So what? I am alive, and I’m entitled to get scared! I’ve invested a lot of my energy into this place! Everyone who’s ever entered this place was in awe of my breed, and hair, and eyes, and energy! I’m entitled to be nervous! Because who on earth is gonna pick up an old sick cat?!
Iri: Oh, don’t say that, Oli! You are so handsome! And you are healthy now, because He’s been so kind to feed you your special diet…
Oli: Shut up! Just shut up, you stupid thing! One week without that diet food, and I’ll end up with stones again, and get clogged! Do you have any idea about the agony of that pain? I’d rather spend a week in the Place, than one hour being clogged! Except no one is gonna give me that week in the Place, so shut up!
Mash: Don’t you dare yell at him! The kid is being supportive!
Oli: I don’t need his fake support, it’s good for nothing! The previous Feeders also ‘supported’ me. They said I’d get picked up for sure, because I was so purebred handsome. And I was sitting, and hoping, trying to compose myself the best I could, and humans would come, and look, and pass! No one wanted me with my underlying condition, even though I was five years younger! Who would want me now?!
Mash: And who would want me? You still have your breed! The kid has his kitten cuteness, and I am an adult cat with neither breed nor charm!
Oli: But you have your beautiful coat! That’s how He picked you back then, He told His friends. He saw your coat from afar it was so bright, and he went straight to you.
Mash: And then He saw you, Oli, your pure breed, and gave you your second life, because you already got the death tag on your cage. If he came two hours later, they would have already put you down.
Iri (losing it and crying inconsolably): And who would need me then? My coat is dull, it’s not even red, it’s boring yellow! And I’m no breed! And I’m not a small kitten anymore, I’m past my cutest times! I don’t want to be put away! I don’t want to spend time in a death-smelling Place, I don’t want to be kicked out in the streets, I have no survival skills! I began living just half a year ago, and I am not ready to stop! (Cries.)
Mash and Oli come up to Iri, begin licking his head and neck.
Oli: I’m sorry for yelling at you, kid, it’s difficult to keep being poised all the time. Especially when I’m so stressed and… and scared. I will play the catnip mouse with you later, I will!
Mash: And even though you are not a small kitten anymore, you still are the cutest cuddly thing, and humans see, and feel, and want that. I’ll play catnip mouse chase with you too.
Iri (calming down, but still sniffing, smiling at Mash and Oli through tears): Thank you guys! You are kind... like Him! I’m gonna bring the catnip mouse. And other catnip toys… It’s gonna be so much fun!... (His eyes are closing, he gradually falls asleep.)
Mash: Sweet kid. He still hopes that chasing a catnip mouse will bring our lives back to normal somehow.
Oli: I’m sure they’ll pick him from the Place, when we get kicked out.
Mash: Oli… I listened to the radio the other night when you were sleeping… They don’t pick up anyone from the Place anymore... They only give in. They always give in when they have problems.
Oli (with a sad smile): Let’s cuddle…
Oli and Mash cuddle next to Iri, making a circle, and fall asleep.
Scene 2
The bright sunlight is streaming into the bedroom and the living room windows.
The Radio Host’s Voice on the background of “Us and Them” by Pink Floyd: And WQX Meow is back with you, bringing you the latest cats’ dreams! We’re pleased to have our handsome purebred Oliver Siberian here with us! May I call you Oli?
Oli (Slowly raising from the floor): Sure. Thank you for having me!
The Voice: Any regrets?
Oli: Yes, definitely! I wouldn’t have admitted it if I wasn’t asleep, of course. But I regret not showing Him the affection He deserved. I kept telling myself it was Him who got lucky with me. Humans pay a scratch lot of money to get a purebred like me, and he got me for free almost. I never had enough dignity to tell myself that it was me who got lucky with Him! He never hesitated to spend all that money on my expensive diet, and vets, and medications. I have heard of humans like Him, but I’ve never met them. And I never will anymore. I just hope He didn’t suffer. I hope He went peacefully, in His sleep. And I hope to see Him again soon, and… and tell Him that I love Him … Like a dog. I can’t believe I just meowed that... (Smiles and laughs bitterly.)
The Host’s Voice: Thank you Oli! We wish you all the best with whatever is left of your nine lives! (Oli lies back down, cuddling with others.) Our next guest today is a bright-coat Tomash Calacole! So good to have you here, and may I call you Mash?
Mash: Yes, and yes.
The Voice: So, where does the name come from?
Mash: He is... Well… He was a big fan of Chekhov. Yes, I know, the irony… He picks up two guys from the Place, and converts their names reminiscing of the Three Ladies. Well, my actual name was Tomas, like Tomcat. I was quite frisky back in the days, but that lasted just for half a year. Born the brightest of the litter, the first one for grabs… but everyone wants a kitten... No one wants an adult cat. I became too frisky for them, the previous Feeders. Ripped a leather chair… Wasn’t my fault they never got me a scratcher. And they were too cheap to fix me, so my hormones wouldn’t run through the roof.
Mash licks himself nervously.
Mash: So, I ended up in the Place. If there is Hell, then that was it. I knew I was finished. And then He came! You know all of us there: cats, dogs, rabbits, rodents, even birds, all of us always hold our breath for a Person. Dogs more than any, they are the closest to Them, the most dependent, the most dedicated, the most loyal. But still... We all wait for our He. Or our She... And when mine appeared at the end of that dim, stenchy corridor, I knew it was my He! And He saw me, and picked me, and I loved the whole world at that moment. And when He passed by Oli, and saw the death tag, and picked Oli up as well, I loved Oli as well. Because we were now born again together!
The Voice: How touching! Any regrets?
Mash: Yes. Marking her shoes, the first night she stayed over. And every other night she stayed over. Until she stopped coming. He said on the phone: “She asked me to choose between her and the guys. But how can I give them up? Perhaps, she was my last chance. Gonna die a bachelor.” And He laughed. And looks like He was right. He knew it was me. Oli was too dignified for low tricks. And Iri wasn’t around yet. But He never hit me, never pushed my face into my own mess, never punished me. I wonder how He survived in that gruesome human world being as kind as He was. But they loved Him out there! Always parties with friends, always guests over. They called Him the best nurse. And now He’s in the same hospital where He was nursing others. I wonder, if I didn’t mark her shoes back then, maybe He would still be alive. They say those who have mates live longer. But she wasn’t right for Him! She was even worse than His ex wife, who had stopped by a couple of times. Such dark, sour energy! Or am I just trying to justify myself? My fear of sharing my space with her? My fear of sharing Him with her?
The Voice: Well, I guess you’ll find out soon, when the moment of truth arrives. Thank you for your candid account Mash, and stay well for as long as you have left. (Mash nods absentminded, and slowly lies down, cuddling with the others.) And we are continuing our broadcast, and are happy to bring you the youngest of the herd, here is Eeri!
Iri slowly gets up, like the other two before him.
Iri: It’s pronounced Eye-ree, like Irish. He likes some Three Sisters, and he calls me and my brothers OMI, by the first letters of their names. And our names. He called me that because he said it sounded like the third Sister’s name, and also because I was red like an Irish. I’m rather yellow, but He called me red. He always saw things brighter and better than they were! And I don’t care if I sound like a dog, but I love Him! And I even promised myself to learn to bring His slippers like a dog, and to fetch, like a dog. And I am ready to give half of my 9 lives to Him, so He would only come back to us!
The Voice: But, little silly cat, you can’t divide 9 in even halves!
Iri: Then I would give Him the bigger half… (Slowly walks to the others, and cuddles with them.)
The Voice: And this was a heartfelt message from the cats’ dreams! You are listening to WQX Meow!
Scene 3
The bright sunlight that was fading throughout Scene 2 has now transitioned into twilight. The Radio keeps playing in real life, broadcasting “Us and Them.”
The Radio Host’s Voice: You are listening to WQX Mix! It is 7 o’clock in the evening, and you can hear the sounds of cheering through your windows – the city is honoring its frontline healthcare providers! (The sounds of clapping, whistling, cheering come from the street, and then fade away.) And we are here to bring you the latest news, music and weather report! We were lucky to see some bright sun today, but the temperatures are crawling down again, it is now 49 Fahrenheit, and we keep wishing for hot sun hugs to chase away Bugs!
The cats wake up, stretching.
Oli: Wait! What time is it? Where’s the drunkard loser? I didn’t hear him coming to feed us…
Mash: He was supposed to be here at six. Drunkard or not, but he always comes at six sharp. Hiss knows how he does it, but he’s never late.
Iri: Maybe, he’s drunk again?
Oli: He starts drinking after six. Iri, go check if there’s any food there.
Iri runs away from the stage into the kitchen. Runs back.
Iri: No cans! Only a little dry food left. And water.
Mash: Ok, the neighbor has got the news that He is gone. He’s not gonna come again to feed us. That’s ok. We can scratch the bag of dry food, and keep eating from there. Water is also not a problem, we can try to turn the faucet and drink from the sink or the bathtub. The litter…
Oli: How didn’t I get it right away! The loser didn’t clean the litter today! He already knew that no one was coming for us, that’s why he gave us more canned food than usual!
Iri (almost crying): And when are they gonna come for us?
Oli: I don’t know. Humans are too busy now with each other to think of others, maybe we have another week?
Mash: Or two, before they notice the stench.
Iri: I’ve heard some cats are toilet trained. We can train, and then try to flush. I’ve watched videos with Him: cats flush toilets!
Mash walks into the bedroom, jumps on the windowsill, listens to the radio.
The Radio Host’s Voice: We are sad to bring you even more devastating news: the recent numbers show…
Oli: For Hissake, draw the curtain, and close the bedroom door, I can’t listen to that anymore! Iri, bring the catnip mouse, let’s play chase!
Iri: Yes!
Mash (slips from the windowsill, sneezes, and runs into the living room): No! We shouldn’t waste energy! We need to ration the food. Oh, How I wish I had one more chance to rub against His leg, and hear His voice, and feel His hand behind my ears!
Iri: And me!
Oli: And me…
The Radio Host’s Voice: You are listening to WQX Mix, it is 8 pm, and we are bringing you the latest…
Oli jumps up, runs into the bedroom, grabs the window curtain and pulls it down, then runs into the living room, and shuts the bedroom door with front paws. Mash hisses angrily, and is about to attack Oli, Iri tries to squeeze in between the two and prevent the fight.
The sound of the front door opening. The cats turn toward the sound and stand still.
Oli (hopeful): The loser?..
Mash (doubting): She?..
Iri (terrified): Them?..
The Voice from the foyer beyond the stage: OMI! Oli, Mash, Iri! I’m back, happy and healthy! And I met a special someone in the hospital. Hope you like her! Where are you guys?!
Oli grabs one slipper which has been lying around with his mouth, Mash grabs the other slipper with his mouth. Iri is flabbergasted with happiness, looking for something too. He grabs his catnip mouse, and all three joyfully trot out of the living room to greet Him. We hear meowing and hissing from the foyer.
His Voice: There you are my pals! Are those my slippers? Wow! Oh, don’t be scared, this is Lance! I picked him up from the Place on the way back.
Lance runs into the living room, looks around, woofs cheerfully.
Lance: What a day! What a glorious day for an old, useless, unwanted Lancelot! I feel like a puppy again! I’m ready to sniff everything, I love the whole world!
Iri walks in, cautiously approaching Lance.
Lance: Hello, my new young friend! You must be Iri. The MasterFriend told me all about you on the way home! I’m Lancelot! I’ll fight all the dragons in this beautiful castle, and scare away all the squirrels with my mighty bark, and you will live worry-free with our MasterFriend!
Mash and Oli carefully walk in. Iri sniffs Lance. Lance licks Iri. Iri purrs and rubs against Lance.
Mash: Careful, he might have fleas!
Oli: And he calls himself noble! Look at him...
Iri: I don’t care! Today is the beginning of yet another life!
Mash: The life we thought we’d never have again…
Lance: The life of the knights of the round table!
Oli rolls up his eyes.
Mash: Have you seen His new special someone?
Lance: No, but I’m sure she’s really nice!
Mash (mumbling): She better be…
Iri to Lance: Do you want to play with my catnip mouse? I have other toys, but this is my favorite!
Lance: Woof! Sure!
Iri brings the catnip mouse. He and Lance begin joyfully playing. The catnip mouse bounces to Mash. Mash joins the game.
Oli: Ah, whattahiss!.. (Joins the rest playing with the mouse.)
His Voice from the kitchen: Who’s hungry?
The cats and the dog run to the kitchen, chasing each other, laughing. The Radio Host’s Voice from the bedroom window becomes louder.
The Radio Host’s Voice: …and we are happy to bring you the latest news: for the first time in weeks the numbers have not increased over the past day. This is a very positive sign! This good news is brought to you by WQX Mix! It is 12 am. Welcome to the new day New York City! Stay safe and healthy! And stay with us!
The End